I've been very depressed for the past couple days.
I know it doesn't matter to more than one or two people on here, but I've been suffering from and struggling with my clinical depression basically all my life. Like anyone else I have good days, and I have bad days. Today was definitely a bad day. I ate too much, slept too much, barely got off the couch all day and now I feel nauseous and disgusted with myself. I even tried to write a little, because sometimes it helps, but I ended up just deleting it all because I couldn't stand reading it.
There's so much I have to say.
I just feel so pathetic.
I've spent all summer doing nothing. Can't go to England because I have daddy issues, hate staying home because my mother's side is so fucked up. I both savour and despise the time I spend completely alone, because I don't have to worry about answering to anyone. Now that my sister is home, that has changed, and the brother who verbally abused us in years past is coming for a visit next week. He's been living a life of pure luxury in England, he just got back from Israel and my dad went to the Bahamas. My dad owns six cars. He has a huge two-level house, a live-in maid and nanny, two dogs, a bakery and a night club both doing extremely well. He took my brothers to Greece last winter.
And I haven't been on a proper vacation in almost ten years. Not even Florida, not even a beach, not even the lake of the fucking Ozarks.
He says he's having money problems right now, and that's why he can't help us more with paying rent and paying for college. But until he sells his damn cars, and deflates his pride and ego, I'm calling bullshit. He doesn't know fuck about money problems.
And that's my depressive self-pitying rant. I want to go to Universal Studios.
Anyway. I have freshman orientation on Monday and Tuesday for the college I'll be attending, so maybe having some kind of path for my near future will pull me out of this slump. I'll see about getting a job in the theater, will be starting up ballroom dancing lessons as soon as I can, and hopefully begin to love life again like I did at the beginning of the summer.
By the way, it's hot here. Really hot. It's ten degrees past "Damn son" and has already passed "People are dropping like flies" Celsius. Enjoy my dark humour.
That's all for now.
Cheers.